no one should ever give us hovercrafts
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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