Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
