Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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