If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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