The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
