the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Boobs speak an international language.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
