i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
third nipple confirmed
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
