I need help removing her.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
