I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I could fuck to npr.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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