I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
