I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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