literally had 100 drinks last night.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
