Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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