Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
