All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
