I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
