My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
this beer tastes like vomit already
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
