Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
