i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
