the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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