I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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