: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
