I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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