Welp...herpes.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
