Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
