That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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