i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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