I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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