I want to have your abortion
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
