i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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