I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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