Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
