I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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