so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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