there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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