I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Randomize
