What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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