I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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