if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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