Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
