I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
