Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
