Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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