If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
