I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
