When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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