Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
At least make sure they are 18
Why
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
