____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
