I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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