I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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